The Art of Herding and the Abomination of Cow Butts
by applepie148
Summary: Lillian is having trouble with all her farm animals and Cam lends a hand. On the other hand, he couldn't have possibly known how dangerous the rear end of a cow was. Rated T for very slight sexual implications(?) (I have no clue how this system works)


**Disclaimer: I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm absolutely dreadful at writing. I'm also lazy and didn't name the dog. Sorry.**

Lillian's dog was in no condition to herd animals today, let alone stand. It (she didn't have a name for him yet) attempted to stand multiple times, failing each time. It's poor legs wobbled, tumbled, and fell backwards pitifully. He whined sorrowfully, its belly as swollen as a balloon.

"Was it something you ate last night?" she asked him, caressing his head slowly. Perhaps she fed him something bad. "Sorry," she apologized. The dog only stared up at her with big, saucer cup eyes.

Herding was a regular thing for him. He would bark at the all the livestock and get their lazy butts moving out onto the pasture to eat. Moving the cows herself would take hours of hard work she couldn't afford. And watching this pathetic dog curl up in a ball was disheartening to say the least. Now how am I supposed to get those dumb cows out there?

Cam entered the house when she was still deep in thought (uninvitingly, for certain). Lillian stood up in surprise.

"Cam? What on earth are you doing here so early in the morning?" It was still 6 am as far as she was concerned, when most of the villagers would probably be sleeping.

"I forgot my hat the last time I came over here, and I haven't gotten a chance to get it until now," he confessed. "And I figured that I might as well come over here earlier while you're not busy." Well, she certainly wasn't going to argue with that. Seeing his ruffled, messy bed head in the morning was attractive and new to her.

"I think I have it next to my bed. I'll go get it." She scurried away to fetch Cam's precious hat.

Yes, they were lovers, and long time lovers at that. They had been together for roughly 3 years; too long, Cam would sometimes laugh. He'd stay over nearly every day off he could get, and, well, what they did together at her house was obviously no surprise. But it was definitely distracting enough so he would forget his cherished hat; a hat that would cover all his bald spots, Lillian would joke.

He was so welcome that she even gave him a spare key to the house; though he would come at some of the worst times. One time, he had entered her room when she was undressing, and she smacked him in the eye so hard that he couldn't see out of it for one week straight.

His infamous purple hat sat daintily on the table next to their bed (for reasons better left unsaid). She took it back to him, waiting patiently while cooing the sick little dog, petting his head. How cute.

But boy, she wasn't about to let Cam get away too easily, she thought, concocting her own little plan. He was most definitely going to help her solve her little dilemma.

"Thanks," he said, reaching his hand out to take the hat. But Lillian pulled her hand away at the last second, and he ended up swiping at thin air. He raised his eyebrows at her. "Lil?"

She grinned at him, her eyes twinkling with a familiar mischievous glint that Cam knew all too well. "YOU are going to help me on the farm today."

That couldn't be good. All he could manage was a weak smile in reply. Last time she asked for help, he ended up with mud stains in his pants that he couldn't scrub out, and a back pain that lasted for weeks.

All from gathering chicken eggs. How she did it everyday, Cam would never know.

And next thing he knew, she took him by the arm and dragged him outside. Definitely no stopping her now.

On second thought, though, how bad could it possibly be?

* * *

><p>Very bad. Pushing at cow butts was not on Cam's list of things to-do that day.<p>

"Since doggy's sick, I need someone to get my animals outside," she had explained. "It's too time-consuming for me. Don't worry! It's easy." Lillian had demonstrated with an impractical strength, the art of shoving the butt of the cow to get it where she wanted it to go.

Oh yes. Very easy indeed.

Easy enough that he had spent at least half an hour to get the first cow outside the barn. Not to mention there were around 12 animals hustling around the godforsaken barn. Needless to say, the cow's rear end was foul, reeking like a mixture of toilet water, feces, and that awful perfume Laney used from time to time. He nearly gagged, eyes bulging from the incomprehensible smell.

The cow itself flicked its tail around, making it all the more harder to concentrate. It would occasionally turn its head in Cam's direction with an amused look, as if mocking him. You're a real idiot.

"Shut up," he would say (almost to himself), gritting his teeth.

"It helps when you bark!" Lillian called from where she stood. She, on the other hand, had the not so messy task of watering her crops; very leisurely, at that. On top of that, she wore his hat almost smugly. It snuggled nicely on her head, and it made him seethe.

"Very funny," he replied sarcastically, giving one last smack on the cow's butt to send it canoodling over to the pasture. Lillian waddled over with an approving look.

"Alright, one down." It was pathetic really, that after a half an hour of pushing and shoving, one measly cow stood dumbly on her huge pasture. Maybe even pitiful. "I guess I'll have to help you with the rest."

Cam snorted. "Like you could. I could barely handle that cow."

"Oh?" She raised her eyebrows. "Let's see about that."

With almost a superhuman strength, she placed her hands on the cow's bottom and simply pushed, dragging her feet across the straw of the floor of the barn.

It was almost hysterical, if her strength wasn't so grotesquely insane; the cow's eyes almost popped out of its sockets, and started to moo in a crazed fashion. She was relentless, though, and pushed the miserable cow outside until it stood side by side with the previous cow.

It was a huge blow to Cam's masculinity. He definitely didn't deserve calling himself a man at this point. And he probably never will be able to.

"That cow," was all he could muster, "was probably a pound or two lighter." Just a pound or two. No big deal.

She scoffed. "You couldn't lift a frying pan if you wanted to."

That was the last straw. Cam would never forgive her for as long as he lived. He wore his best angry face. "I guess you can just handle the other animals on your own, then."

"Aww, Cam. You know I'm just kidding," she said. Lillian laughed and stood on her tippy toes to kiss his cheek. "You're awfully cute when you're mad."

Well, maybe he could forgive her just a little bit.

* * *

><p>The alpacas were probably the hardest bunch of Lillian's rowdy animals to manage. Those damn fluffy vermins jumped around with an unimaginable amount of energy, bleating like there was no tomorrow.<p>

"Grab that one!" she shouted, pointing at the runaway llama, escaping from her grasp at the last second.

"You stupid llama," he cursed, tackling the animal to the ground with its pathetic bleating, ignoring the dirt and grime on the barn floor.

"Cam! Good job!" Lillian applauded, grinning wildly while running towards him. She fell on top of him, crushing him in a pile. The alpaca was more confused than ever at this point, in a feeble attempt to move.

"Hey! Lillian!" he gasped. "Get off me!"

"No!" she laughed, rolling around on top of his body. Not that she was very heavy.

"Honestly," he said, smirking, rolling his eyes. "You're such an idiot."

"And you love that idiot," she replied, propping her head up on her arms, resting on top of him, back facing up. "Must suck."

"Not as much as you think," he said, pulling her into a spirited kiss, the alpaca completely forgotten. It was moments like this that they really reaffirmed their love for eachother.

At this point, the llama gave up on escaping and started panting in a tired fashion, waiting patiently for its captors to finish their little love fest. Humans really were obnoxious. Oh boy, at this point did they need to get a room.

Keep it PG, kids.

* * *

><p>"We're done!" Lillian clapped her hands together in a final motion.<p>

"Took long enough," he grumbled, folding his arms. The animals stood in the pasture, grazing, obviously unamused. "Not to mention I got way too many bruises to count," he complained, pulling up his pant leg to show Lillian his black and blue bruise.

"It's not that bad," she said, slapping the mark good naturedly. Cam would never admit that her slap was the most painful thing he ever experienced.

They were both very dirty, covered in mud, dirt, and grime. Straw littered their hair. It would be an absolute pain to rub it all off. The things Cam did for her.

But anything for his favorite person, he supposed.

Lillian reaffirmed his thought. "Thanks so much for your help. I couldn't have possibly done this alone." She promptly wrapped her arms tightly around him, burying her face into his chest before looking up at him with grateful eyes. You're the best."

Damn right he was.

Cow butts would never be the same to Cam again.

**Feel free to leave criticism; I'd like any and all ways to improve my writing. Thanks!**


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